Clouds Do Pass

I left my last post at a fairly low point, but this is not a place where I have stayed emotionally.  I don’t want to give the impression that I am unhappy.  It has been hard, and I have had my moments of stress and insecurity and pain, but they are moments, and they pass.  I haven’t written in order to gauge sympathy, but to simply and honestly share my story.  I don’t feel that life has dealt me a hard card.  In cfact, I’m highly aware that my choices have influenced where I am now.  I’m also aware that I am not responsible for other people’s actions.  Some of the last few months have been the result of my actions and others’ that affect me, and some of it has just  been the reality of life and death.

My biggest question has been, “Where to now?”.  What to do?  How to plan?  What to feel?  My tactic has been to feel what I need to feel in the moment.  I deal with my emotions in the moment, sometimes well, sometimes not.  I am finally at the point where I can breathe and sleep freely and I feel that I can think with a clear head (although I’m sure there will be many pregnant moments where I *think* I’m being clear headed)

My greatest plan has been to make the decisions now, that I need to make now, and leave for later the choices that I don’t yet need to answer.  For example, I don’t need to decide now what school I want Meebs to go to, but I do need to get a financial plan so I can begin to save for the future (including those very expensive school costs).  I don’t need to have a birthing plan just yet, but I do need to decide what hospital I’m going to, and how I’m going to progress with doctors and midwives etc.  Trust me, after the instability of the past year I desperately want all my ducks in a row, but I’m learning not to stress about what I haven’t got sorted, and as much as I want my duckies all neat and tidy, I’m slowly learning to let go.

Very, very, slowly.

I’m still learning to lean on God for the big things as well as the little ones.  I still have no idea how I’m going to cope financially and even if full time work is a viable option once Amoeba is born, but it’s one of those ‘trusting in God for the answer LATER’ questions that tomorrow can answer.  I’d still rather trust myself.  It’s a hard habit to kick, but I take things one day at a time.

Even today as I tried to save the 2 thousand odd dollars that I would otherwise lose after cancelling a month long snowboarding trip (at 3-4 months pregnant, snowboarding in another country was ill-advised) I found myself having to stop and breathe and say, ‘Daddy God, I need to open the right doors, and close the wrong ones’.  Of course, this was after freaking out, getting all shaky, and then calling my mum.  Like I said, I’m not perfect.  I still have a LONG way to go.

The hardest lesson is learning to forgive.  I have found it so hard to even entertain the idea, but as the sharpness of the hurt lessens, I’m realising that I have to forgive, or I’ll be stuck at this hurting, bitter point for the foreseeable future.  I don’t know how, but it is the next thing I have to work through.  Again, I’m asking each day, ‘Father I don’t know how to do this, but I choose to forgive.’  It’s going to take a lot of grace that is not in me yet.  It’s hard to forgive when someone hasn’t apologised and doesn’t want forgiveness.  It’s going to take a lot more than all that is Bek.

Having said all of this, I’m excited for the future.  I check each week to see what fruit matches Meebs size and eagerly counting down the weeks until I can find out if I have a little boy  or little girl coming.  I’m saving (which does not come naturally) and making plans to live fully and invest in myself and in Meebs future.    I have never been more encouraged and uplifted by the people around me.  I feel more secure knowing that I’m not in this alone.  I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably won’t ever, much to my dismay.  The one thing I do have is hope, for now that is enough.