Pinky Ba-oon

Arya is now 2.5 years old and lately her behaviour has been…difficult, and you might say that potty training is ‘in the toilet’.

We have felt like we are almost out of ideas when she wets her undies multiple times a day after being almost fully toilet trained a few months ago.  Other days she can throw a tantrum for up to 3 hours long! I mean, who even has the energy for that?

After several deep and meaningful conversations with Google, the source of all earthly wisdom and knowledge and some long conversations, we came to the conclusion that it may be a very real reaction to some big changes in our lives.  The downhill slide in toilet training started right around the time we moved house, plus I have taken on more work, but I also had an intense prac situation at the end of last year and we hardly got to spend any quality time together.  Then shortly afterwards I met Kalon *insert romantic sigh*, and I am so grateful for the time we have spent together, but it is a massive change for both Ary and myself and she no longer has 100% of my time and attention.  A happy change, and he is investing time with both of us, but it’s not the same as having your mum all to yourself.

Who knows? We may be taking a stab in the dark, but we decided that Ary and I needed to spend some dedicated time together.  Cue, mummy-daughter date!

2:30 the next afternoon rolled around and I pulled up to daycare, excited and nervous.  It truly felt like a date!  I couldn’t wait to take her out, but with a 2 year old, the potential for tantrums in public always abounds.

We had a slight delay after getting to the shops due to a very broken phone that had to get fixed, but Ary waited as patiently as a 2 year old can and then we were off!  First to Target, our fashion stop for the day where we were able to pick up 2 t-shirts for daycare for about $4 each.  BUT there were about 6 different sparkly princess tutus that were begged for and denied one by one.

Next stop was ice cream, which I had promised thinking we could try a frozen yoghurt place that I’m sure exists, but I couldn’t find.  I found solace in the fact that I at least got some pre-snack exercise walking up and down the wings of the shopping centre.  We settled on Baskin Robbins where you can get a soft serve ice cream with a flake for about $1.50 so Ary got ice cream with sprinkles and I had mint choc chip (the best one).

Then we were off to BigW and their party shop where I not-so-patiently attempted to get some customer service.  Eventually, a lovely lady came and helped us out and it turns out that you can buy a single helium balloon with a ribbon for $1.50!!!  Naturally Arya chose pink, which is not my colour, but whatever floats your boat.  She thought it was awesome until I said she had to wear it on her wrist instead of holding it in her hand (in an attempt to prevent it from floating away).

*insert tantrum here*

Thankfully, it was mild and she kind of understood in the end and was able to play with her balloon until she somehow got it off her wrist as I was picking up my newly fixed phone an hour later.  It found a new home on the ceiling of the shopping centre and we were discussing the loss of ‘pinky ba-oon’ for the rest of the evening.

With half an hour before we had to get groceries and head home I decided we had time to hit the small playground where Ary played hard and tried to claim a little car as her own from all the other kids while I watched and attempted to make sure things didn’t get violent… You never know with toddlers! (It didn’t of course!)

In the end we got to spend a couple of hours together and we didn’t do anything too crazy or exciting, but it was so good to hang out and be together.  I spent just over $10 (not including the ridiculous amount to get the phone fixed) between the both of us, which was far more affordable than going to a play centre and getting snacks.  Ary had fun though, and that was the best part.  I had considered Chipmunks or getting our nails done together, or something equally fun, but we didn’t need to do anything dramatic or expensive to connect and enjoy each other’s company.

The afternoon didn’t fix her behaviour and it didn’t fix her toilet training, but it did remind me to take dedicated time to engage with her outside of all our other activities, that was the valuable part for me.  I’m just glad that somehow in the screaming tantrums I actually heard her and I will continue to choose to spend time with Ary each week and grow together.

How could you NOT want to spend time with this cutie bum?!

 

Clouds Do Pass

I left my last post at a fairly low point, but this is not a place where I have stayed emotionally.  I don’t want to give the impression that I am unhappy.  It has been hard, and I have had my moments of stress and insecurity and pain, but they are moments, and they pass.  I haven’t written in order to gauge sympathy, but to simply and honestly share my story.  I don’t feel that life has dealt me a hard card.  In cfact, I’m highly aware that my choices have influenced where I am now.  I’m also aware that I am not responsible for other people’s actions.  Some of the last few months have been the result of my actions and others’ that affect me, and some of it has just  been the reality of life and death.

My biggest question has been, “Where to now?”.  What to do?  How to plan?  What to feel?  My tactic has been to feel what I need to feel in the moment.  I deal with my emotions in the moment, sometimes well, sometimes not.  I am finally at the point where I can breathe and sleep freely and I feel that I can think with a clear head (although I’m sure there will be many pregnant moments where I *think* I’m being clear headed)

My greatest plan has been to make the decisions now, that I need to make now, and leave for later the choices that I don’t yet need to answer.  For example, I don’t need to decide now what school I want Meebs to go to, but I do need to get a financial plan so I can begin to save for the future (including those very expensive school costs).  I don’t need to have a birthing plan just yet, but I do need to decide what hospital I’m going to, and how I’m going to progress with doctors and midwives etc.  Trust me, after the instability of the past year I desperately want all my ducks in a row, but I’m learning not to stress about what I haven’t got sorted, and as much as I want my duckies all neat and tidy, I’m slowly learning to let go.

Very, very, slowly.

I’m still learning to lean on God for the big things as well as the little ones.  I still have no idea how I’m going to cope financially and even if full time work is a viable option once Amoeba is born, but it’s one of those ‘trusting in God for the answer LATER’ questions that tomorrow can answer.  I’d still rather trust myself.  It’s a hard habit to kick, but I take things one day at a time.

Even today as I tried to save the 2 thousand odd dollars that I would otherwise lose after cancelling a month long snowboarding trip (at 3-4 months pregnant, snowboarding in another country was ill-advised) I found myself having to stop and breathe and say, ‘Daddy God, I need to open the right doors, and close the wrong ones’.  Of course, this was after freaking out, getting all shaky, and then calling my mum.  Like I said, I’m not perfect.  I still have a LONG way to go.

The hardest lesson is learning to forgive.  I have found it so hard to even entertain the idea, but as the sharpness of the hurt lessens, I’m realising that I have to forgive, or I’ll be stuck at this hurting, bitter point for the foreseeable future.  I don’t know how, but it is the next thing I have to work through.  Again, I’m asking each day, ‘Father I don’t know how to do this, but I choose to forgive.’  It’s going to take a lot of grace that is not in me yet.  It’s hard to forgive when someone hasn’t apologised and doesn’t want forgiveness.  It’s going to take a lot more than all that is Bek.

Having said all of this, I’m excited for the future.  I check each week to see what fruit matches Meebs size and eagerly counting down the weeks until I can find out if I have a little boy  or little girl coming.  I’m saving (which does not come naturally) and making plans to live fully and invest in myself and in Meebs future.    I have never been more encouraged and uplifted by the people around me.  I feel more secure knowing that I’m not in this alone.  I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably won’t ever, much to my dismay.  The one thing I do have is hope, for now that is enough.