Accomplish small tasks to achieve BIG goals.

I’m simultaneously super excited, and incredibly frustrated at the moment.  I’m on the edge of great things, but they are still in the development and birthing process.  There is so much on my list of goals that it is almost overwhelming and I don’t know which end of the list I should start with.  I have goals for personal, professional, and family life that are filling me with fire and ideas feel like they are stirring my soul, but my day to day life seems to be filled with chaos and frustration.  I feel like I’m doing sled pushes uphill!  I know that will pay dividends (hello glute muscles!), but it’s tough going in the meantime.

I’ve been mulling these ideas over for a a few weeks, and my normal response would be to just give up, or make great aspirations, tell everyone, and then have it last a few weeks before life was again filled with the busyness of daily humdrum that absorbs each day.  I’ve been frustrated with settling for less than what I know I am capable of being and accomplishing, so I needed an action plan for permanent change.  To do that I knew I needed to create new habits for the small stuff.  This would free up the time and attention that I need to accomplish the big stuff.  Instead of drawing up a list of habits that I knew wouldn’t stick longer than a few weeks, I decided to focus on just 2 things.  I decided that to maximise my time each day I needed to wake up at 5am each morning and to clear some of the clutter in my mind and the house I decided to make my bed each day.  This meant I would be utilising ‘extra’ hours in the day, and the 1 minute that it takes to make my bed each day makes my room look cleaner and less cluttered, and it is one step towards a clearer house.  My room can become a refuge and when nothing else in the house is clean, but I don’t have to time to deal with it, I can retreat to a clear space in my room and have the focus I need.

Then I thought, what if I can’t even stick to those 2 things long enough for them to become a habit?! So I did what I also do in training when the session seems like too much.  I break it down to bite size chunks, and tick off each little section.  Instead of a month of bed making at 5am I decided to do it for one week.  I can do that.  I mean, if I can’t make my bed for a week in a row then I’m going the wrong way about being an adult!

So here I am, writing to you, 3 days in to my little goals. So far I’ve done okay.  I’ve had to stretch out my wake-up time to 5.20, because I haven’t quite been getting to bed early enough, but I am still getting so much more done in the day.  My chores in the house are done early enough to allow for extra paid work to happen, and I’ve been early to daycare drop off every single day (which if you know me, you know that’s a BIG deal).  My bed has also been made every day, although sometimes I have forgotten until a little later on in the morning, but the great thing is that it’s encouraging me to take an extra minute or two to clear the little things that mess up my room each day.  It makes for a less stressed Bek!

Last year was a year of preparation, and I used the mantra “Discomfort is the catalyst for change” for all the tough stuff, and it really worked.  This year however, big changes are happening and the phrase, “Accomplish small tasks to achieve big goals” is starting to shape my thinking.  This year is a year of action and discovery.  I’m taking small steps at a time to action change and I know that when I look back at the end of the year, life will look nothing like where I started.

Running Bare

Today I feel like I did something very scary, but it seems almost insignificant to say so.  I thrust myself into the art world and attempted a watercolour painting as a gift for some dear friends and their soon to be born baby girl.  The only downside was that it was something I had never painted before, I had no idea how to do it, and I’m not a very confident painter.  All I had was an image in my mind and somehow had to transfer it to paper which I’m normally terrible at doing, ON THE MORNING OF THE SHOWER!  First thought, “Who does this?”  Second thought, “What can I find on Pinterest?”  After some rapid Pinterest research while my own bubby was napping I drew a quick very basic outline (FAR more scary than painting!) and put brush to paper.

At this point I’m sure you’re wondering when the scary part is coming.  So what if I’m not that great at art, it’s the thought that counts right?  WRONG!  It was difficult to put myself out there, even in the privacy of my own home, hoping that each new brush stroke would not destroy all the previous ones.  I have to admit that once I completed the main feature of the image, I almost didn’t complete the rest of the painting.  I was so scared to mess it up, too scared to fail.  Each step of the way I was wanting to check with all my arty friends and make sure that it was still okay.  I finally finished the painting an hour or two later after an intermission when Arya decided to wake up and wanted to play.  After fiddling for a while, I was actually really happy with it, but it’s so intimidating when you have to make yourself vulnerable in front of others and reveal a part of yourself.  This wasn’t just a pretty picture.  It really meant something that I was trying to share and I was laying myself bare in front the people I care most about.  The funniest part, is that it was only yesterday that I was listening to someone speak about being vulnerable with those precious to you, your chosen family.  I’m not that sort of person. I like to be strong, independent, and rely only (mostly) on big old me.  I’m pretty much invincible.  You can see how I struggled a little with this!

I’m really proud of myself for sitting down and attempting to create something from nothing, and I’m proud of the fact that I was willing to lay it out in front of others.  Even if it was totally awful, I still did it.  Just don’t ask me to paint it again, because I’m really not sure that I could!  It’s s step toward who I want to be and opening up to the people I have chosen to be my family (and my own family too of course!).

The image I had in my mind was of a purple bird rising up and emerging out of water, all of it purple, and all of it alive.  It is supposed to represent royalty, and new life bursting forth.  Apologies for the photo quality!

PS. A pajama singlet was sacrificed in the creative process.  I didn’t even know I had paint everywhere until Mum pointed it out.  Oh well, at least it’s water soluble, right?

Painting for Eva Faith

Clouds Do Pass

I left my last post at a fairly low point, but this is not a place where I have stayed emotionally.  I don’t want to give the impression that I am unhappy.  It has been hard, and I have had my moments of stress and insecurity and pain, but they are moments, and they pass.  I haven’t written in order to gauge sympathy, but to simply and honestly share my story.  I don’t feel that life has dealt me a hard card.  In cfact, I’m highly aware that my choices have influenced where I am now.  I’m also aware that I am not responsible for other people’s actions.  Some of the last few months have been the result of my actions and others’ that affect me, and some of it has just  been the reality of life and death.

My biggest question has been, “Where to now?”.  What to do?  How to plan?  What to feel?  My tactic has been to feel what I need to feel in the moment.  I deal with my emotions in the moment, sometimes well, sometimes not.  I am finally at the point where I can breathe and sleep freely and I feel that I can think with a clear head (although I’m sure there will be many pregnant moments where I *think* I’m being clear headed)

My greatest plan has been to make the decisions now, that I need to make now, and leave for later the choices that I don’t yet need to answer.  For example, I don’t need to decide now what school I want Meebs to go to, but I do need to get a financial plan so I can begin to save for the future (including those very expensive school costs).  I don’t need to have a birthing plan just yet, but I do need to decide what hospital I’m going to, and how I’m going to progress with doctors and midwives etc.  Trust me, after the instability of the past year I desperately want all my ducks in a row, but I’m learning not to stress about what I haven’t got sorted, and as much as I want my duckies all neat and tidy, I’m slowly learning to let go.

Very, very, slowly.

I’m still learning to lean on God for the big things as well as the little ones.  I still have no idea how I’m going to cope financially and even if full time work is a viable option once Amoeba is born, but it’s one of those ‘trusting in God for the answer LATER’ questions that tomorrow can answer.  I’d still rather trust myself.  It’s a hard habit to kick, but I take things one day at a time.

Even today as I tried to save the 2 thousand odd dollars that I would otherwise lose after cancelling a month long snowboarding trip (at 3-4 months pregnant, snowboarding in another country was ill-advised) I found myself having to stop and breathe and say, ‘Daddy God, I need to open the right doors, and close the wrong ones’.  Of course, this was after freaking out, getting all shaky, and then calling my mum.  Like I said, I’m not perfect.  I still have a LONG way to go.

The hardest lesson is learning to forgive.  I have found it so hard to even entertain the idea, but as the sharpness of the hurt lessens, I’m realising that I have to forgive, or I’ll be stuck at this hurting, bitter point for the foreseeable future.  I don’t know how, but it is the next thing I have to work through.  Again, I’m asking each day, ‘Father I don’t know how to do this, but I choose to forgive.’  It’s going to take a lot of grace that is not in me yet.  It’s hard to forgive when someone hasn’t apologised and doesn’t want forgiveness.  It’s going to take a lot more than all that is Bek.

Having said all of this, I’m excited for the future.  I check each week to see what fruit matches Meebs size and eagerly counting down the weeks until I can find out if I have a little boy  or little girl coming.  I’m saving (which does not come naturally) and making plans to live fully and invest in myself and in Meebs future.    I have never been more encouraged and uplifted by the people around me.  I feel more secure knowing that I’m not in this alone.  I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably won’t ever, much to my dismay.  The one thing I do have is hope, for now that is enough.

When You Feel Like a Tornado Has Torn Through Life

This has been an incredibly hard year. Probably the hardest of my life to date, and I don’t say that lightly. It has felt like each trial, however great or small, has only been in preparation for the following ordeal with only a few short weeks in between. I don’t want to list all of the horrible things in my life, that would be pointless, make for awful reading material, and it’s honestly not my perspective on the situation, but as I have not written for months, I will share some of the things that have been happening. Even if the only point is to say that I am alive and healthy and I don’t *think* I’ve gone crazy.

Some of you might have read that my cousin who had Cystic Fibrosis was really struggling. After a successful double lung transplant, an amazing recovery, and even a return to her studies, she took a turn for the worse. The infection that had destroyed her lungs returned and was rapidly taking her new lungs down. Despite hoping and praying and against all the efforts of the leading doctors in the field, there was nothing that could be done. On the 22^nd of December, 2014 Kari-Lee Birrell said her last goodbyes. It was sudden, we thought we would have a few days to say goodbye, but the day she made a final post on Facebook was the day she left us.

“Just so everyone knows I’m being sent home today as there’s nothing else the doctors can do. I didn’t think it would come to this but I’ve just got a few days left. So I just want to say love all people, respect others and be grateful for the little things in life. Peace Out.”

I wish I could have been there to give her one last hug, one last precious squeeze and tell her that I love her, that I would always miss my twin cousin. I got a phone call in the middle of work that day, and my heart dropped. I ran for the phone and saw Mum’s name. I didn’t have to call her back. I already knew. I went to the hospital and saw her. She wasn’t struggling to breathe any more. It sounds crazy, but as I saw her lying there, it was as if she was finally free to breathe.

Kari has left a space in the world that is incredibly difficult to fill. As hard as it is to say goodbye, it is even harder to carry on. It is only her strength, adventurous spirit, and her faith that lead as an example. She had such strength in the face of pain and adversity. She was carried by her sense of humour. She lived her life as full as she could with travel, study, and friends and family. At the end of the day it is her faith that stands out to me. She knew where she was going. She knew an Ultimate Love. It seems like a lovely Christian saying, but I really do take comfort in the fact that I will see her again, and that she is breathing fully and deeply. As I pray for her husband and family, I hope that they take hold of the fact that the same Father who comforted her, can comfort them. It’s still hard without Kari. Even as I write this sitting in an open coffee shop in a busy shopping centre, I am fighting tears.

The greatest and hardest lesson I have learned is that it’s not that He will take you out of the situation, but that He knows and meets you right in the midst of it.

Battle for Life

When I write a blog post I normally draw inspiration from the amusing and interesting things that happen around me, but today I find that incredibly difficult.

I found out yesterday that my cousin, who is only three weeks younger than me, is being killed by a bacteria in her lungs.  This battle against the bacteria is not new.  She has cystic fibrosis, a disease with no known cure, and has been in and out of hospital for the past 18 months which culminated in a double lung transplant.  For a short period of time my cousin’s life was changed.  She could breathe clearly, she had colour in her cheeks, and she put on weight, which is extremely important.  She was even able to start attending university again.  However, the bacteria returned and she had to have further surgery to remove two of the lobes on the right side of her lungs.  This left her nauseous, in pain, and on many medications, some of them still experimental, or generally unavailable in Australia.

This leads to yesterday,  when we found out that the bacteria is back, in all of her remaining lobes.  So what now?  Nothing has stopped it, and it’s slowly killing a brave and beautiful young woman.  I don’t want to lose hope.  I believe in a God of miracles.  I also know that sometimes good people, really good people, die for no good reason.  I don’t know how to feel or react.  I do know that I’m not ready to give up on her.  She is the bravest person I know and if anyone was to beat this horrible bacteria, she would.

 

Home

Stepped out of the Boat and Blown out of the Water

I was blown away today with some awesome times, lots of coffee, and even a Sizzler date. There has still been no progress in my current challenges over the weekend, and they have actually taken a not so positive turn. Despite this, I am far more at peace about the situation than on Friday, when I was left clueless as to what to do. At the moment I’m sitting back and waiting until Monday, when I start making calls and update my resume.
Moving forward I have a prayerful list that’s getting longer. I added one more thing this morning. I figured, why not? It’s long enough, why don’t I take a step of faith and ask for one more thing?
I have needed new glasses for a while. My prescription is wrong, and my lenses are so scratched that they drive me crazy. It’s nearly not worth wearing them. I’ve been meaning to fix them for a while, but I have really not had the cash. So, instead of asking for money, I simply asked for glasses and then forgot about it for the rest of the day.  It wasn’t even a deep and meaningful prayer.  I just said what I needed and that was it. \

Hours later, my very wonderful man (who had no idea about this) asked me when I would have a day free to go to the optometrist to buy me a whole new set of glasses. Apparently, he’s been wanting do it as a surprise, but didn’t know how to go about it.
I am totally amazed. Not only that he would offer, but also that provision was made just hours after I prayed.

This is essentially a long post about how I’m getting new glasses, but it’s the how that’s important. I’ve stepped out of the boat, and He’s pulling through for me.

Life Lessons

Over the last 3 or so months (apparently silent according to this blog) I have experienced a range of emotions that resemble, less of a rollercoaster, and more of a giant hill going down… Really far down… Like the kind Jack and Jill should avoid. I won’t go into all the ins and outs of drama, because who wants to read that: but what I do want to say, is that I’ve struggled. Even more than that, I’ve realised that in the rough times I haven’t been able to maintain the everyday facade of general positivity that most of the Aussie population likes to show.
“Hey, how are ya?”
“Hey, good thanks.”
Having repeated this many, many times in the recent months it lost any identity as a question, and instead became a greeting, and to be perfectly honest, it’s really started to bug me. Because each day has brought it’s own flavour of stress or frustration, I can’t reply that I’m good. I’m not good. I need a hug!

However, despite all of this I have found strengthened friendships, a real connection with my family, a heightened commitment to faith, and a dash of creative spice. I’m learning to be a more honest person, and not the stalwart picture of first-born strength. I’m learning to say ‘I can’t do it on my own,’ (A stupidly hard lesson it seems). Not to say the stress is over. No, not by a long way! It seems that the giant hill I’ve broken my crown on is taking all of my options away so I have no choice but to lean on Father (God).

I think I’m starting to get it now. I *think*. Can the lesson be learnt now or are patience chapters to work through too?